Arsenal v Leicester, Manchester City v Bournemouth: clockwatch – live!

“Hey Rob!” says Joe Pearson. “How smug do you feel to be in Orkney right now, comfortably in the teens when most of the matches will be played in the 30s? Here in Indianapolis, it is an unseasonably cool 64 (19 to you). Location, location, location.”

It does look violently hot at the Emirates in particular. Reminds me of the 2003 Community Shield, when the heat got to Phil Neville and Franny Jeffers.

“Those images of team selections allow a comparison of PR departments’ choice of font and style,” squints Charles Antakia. “ They all go for all-caps, some (Leicester, Leeds) with generous kerning, but Man City suffocatingly tight. Fonts run a scale from boring (Bournemouth) to child-friendly (Brighton). Today’s prize goes to Arsenal, for somehow digging up a font last seen in the spaceship signage of a 1990s sci-fi series.”

Brighton’s looks like a Radiohead font, though I can’t place which one. Any idea? Leicester’s looks like it belongs on the portfolio of a start-up company specialising in eco-friendly toothpaste. Sad to see that none of the teams have gone for Comic Sans. What a humourless society we’ve become.

“Firstly, Neil Warnock is an absolute enigma,” says Matt Dony. “Thoroughly dislikeable, but also at times warm, funny and engaging. I don’t get him. I don’t know how I feel about him. Secondly, I stand by my pre-season prediction that Mitrovic will net eight goals this season, scored either side of a 10-game drought. He’s spaffed two of them already, so don’t expect much from him today. Thirdly, poor Bournemouth. Poor, poor Bournemouth.”

Full time: Aston Villa 2-1 Everton

Aston Villa survived a late Everton onslaught, sparked by the introduction of the new signing Amadou Onana, to win their first home game of the season.

Everton’s next match, at home to Nottingham Forest next weekend, already feels like a biggie.

“Afternoon Rob,” weeps Simon McMahon. “Don’t worry about keeping too close an eye on things in Scotland, as I’m still processing the events of Thursday night as Dundee United have gone from heroes to zeroes in the space of a week, following victory over AZ Alkmaar with defeat at home to Livingston and then a record-equalling pumping in the return leg in Holland on Thursday night.

“No denying it, a proper minter for all concerned with the Tannadice club. Goodness knows what Jim McLean would have made of it. The players will eventually be forced out of hiding to face Hearts at Tynecastle tomorrow. Champions Celtic are at Kilmarnock before that, and today’s games are Aberdeen v Motherwell, Livingston v Hibs, Rangers v St. Johnstone and St. Mirren v Ross County.”

Just watch this on loop for the next forever days.

In a parallel universe, Neil Warnock is just starting his teamtalk ahead of a tricky match at the Weston Homes Stadium

‘The name’s w****er. Colin w****r’, etc.

Wolves v Fulham team news

Southampton v Leeds team news

Man City v Bournemouth team news

Brighton v Newcastle team news

Arsenal v Leicester team news

On Monday, the Premier League will be 30 years old. Barney Ronay had the unenviable task of condensing three decades of hype and history into a breezy, stylish, intelligent 2,000-word read.

Look out, it’s the Premier League!

The early Premier League game is at Villa Park, where Aston Villa lead Everton 1-0 at half-time. Scott Murray is watching that one.

Preamble