But what about the men? Francine Russo is adamant that men have to get over the idea that it’s all about the erect penis. “When they can’t get an erection, or can’t count on getting one, they often lose interest in sex.” And yet it’s estimated that over half of all men between 50 and 70 have erectile dysfunction (ED).
What they need to understand and accept, Russo believes, is that things won’t happen in the same way as they did when they were younger, that it’s possible to have an orgasm without an erection. Maybe intercourse is off the cards, how about outercourse, then? These are the kind of honest conversations that can transform everything in older people’s sex lives, and one of the reasons why experts believe that even in very long-term relationships it’s possible to reignite sexual intimacy if there’s a willingness to be open and explore. For some a desire for sexual fulfilment leads to affairs.
Easy to condemn but I couldn’t bring myself to condemn the man who sought a relationship through the site Illicit Encounters, because his wife had a severe stroke and was wheelchair-bound. He would never leave her, he told me, and the woman he met via the website perfectly understood the situation. She was unhappy in her marriage, but didn’t want commitment, so it suited her.
For one married woman friend, who loved her husband but with whom sex had never been more than occasional and non-explosive, the approach of her 70th birthday triggered an urgent desire for a final sexual fling. She wrestled with guilt, but acted on her instinct. The affair made her feel young again. She looked in the mirror and for the first time in years liked what she saw. She felt enlivened, more interesting. Her husband noticed her spark, while never suspecting an affair, and began to respond more amorously. A curious win-win, triggered by an affair that was soon over.
According to one recent report, if you are single your sex life reaches its peak in your 60s. The eighth annual Singles in America survey in 2018 found single women having the best sex at 66 and men at 64.
No shame
For one friend, Fiona*, who met her partner Paul* eight years ago when she was 63 and he was 65, “Sex hasn’t drifted off at all, For 20 years I was in a marriage that produced two children, but with a man who was not interested in sex. After my divorce there were various short-lived relationships, and unsatisfactory sexual encounters, and then Paul came along.”
Fiona’s face lights up as she talks: “Sex can take place five, four, three days a week. It’s wonderful. Maybe we won’t have full intercourse more than twice a week but we can read one another. Certain times of day suit him better. I’m retired, he works part-time, there are no kids in the house, so why not? When he passes me in the house, he might touch my arm, or ask me to kiss him. When we walk together we walk hand-in-hand. If sex sometimes doesn’t work, we laugh about it and there’s nothing we can’t discuss.”
Paul feels the same. He describes the marriage to the mother of his two children as “an unholy alliance. We were incompatible on so many levels. Sex was mechanical. Of course for a relationship to work sexually both partners have to have a certain element of libido, and Fiona and I understand each other. As you get older you see what works and you experiment. You have to want to please one another. Either you’re a giver or you’re not.”
For Paul sex is life-enhancing and if men lack testosterone, he believes, they should take it, if they need Viagra, where’s the shame in that? “We age,” he says, “things change, but I honestly believe that in a good relationship good sex can last indefinitely. 40 years, why not?”
As if later life sex was enough for the squeamish to contend with, what about a shout-out for end-of life intimacy, too? And no I’m not kidding. Now that we’re all living longer there’s a big issue coming up around nursing homes, with men and women in their 80s and 90s sneaking into one another’s rooms.
We squirm, we wrinkle our noses and the care workers don’t know what to do. As long as it’s consensual, Let It Be, as Paul McCartney would say. Sex and the desire for it is a sign of being fully alive. I challenge anyone to say that’s not OK.
‘Sex is the difference between…’
Francine Russo, 75, author of Love After 50: How To Find It, Enjoy It and Keep It (Simon and Schuster), has been twice widowed. Her first husband died after 20 years of marriage, her second husband after 4. She has been living with her partner, Michael Harrington, 79, a musical comedy actor and voice coach, for six years.
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